I'm living with depression and anxiety without medication. You heard me. No medication. Should I be on medication? Probably. I guess I feel I don't need it all the time and it's just one more habit and routinely item I have to keep track of.
Is it difficult? Oh yeah. It's a struggle. I live with it though. I manage to a degree. I also just accept it and move on. I wonder all of the time if I'm the only one that feels this way. I know I don't have it nearly as bad as some people. I've been told my form of depression and anxiety is situational. It all depends on what's going on around me, how things are going at that time, that day, or that hour, or even that minute. I feel it almost comes off as bi-polar disorder at times. Being full of anxiety and depressed all at the same time is beyond stressful. Put a stressful life on top of it and BAM you've got a crazy almost impossible person to deal with. So the question is...how do you handle it? How do you as the person who is depressed and how does the person who isn't full of anxiety and depression handle it?
Truth is...well I don't know what the truth is. So I'm going to tell you my thoughts on what I do and what goes on in my life and how I feel. I have friends who clearly have depression and anxiety. Some of my closest friends even. It's almost impossible to handle when we are both having the same issue at the same time. It's a train wreck. And when it's just one of us with the issue, it's almost as challenging for each other.
Personally, what I look for when I'm depressed and loaded with anxiety, and am freaking out about what could potentially be nothing....is honestly probably attention. Seriously. It sounds selfish and horrible saying it out loud. I want someone to tell me hey it's going to be ok. Don't worry. I'm here for you, what can I do to make it easier. Even if it's just to talk. I love hugs. I love just sitting around knowing that someone cares. I don't expect a hand holding and a step by step set of directions on how to make things better.
Some people may just want to be left alone. Sometimes that works for me. It really depends on how bad I'm depressed that day. Realistically. This example is a good example of a bad day and how I shouldn't be left alone.
Probably 5 years ago now when we really figured out how bad my depression could be. I got so upset with whatever situation was going on that day, nobody around to help. Or if there was, nobody was giving me the attention I wanted or needed that day. I thankfully was in a half way decent state of mind where I recognized something internally wasn't right. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to suffocate myself, jump out a window, or anything that could have just let me go. I locked myself in my bedroom. Kept thinking to myself over and over again how can I do this? How can I kill myself? Eventually, I got to the point where I was able to call my mom, tell her something was wrong and I needed help. She came home right away and we found some help. We managed to get it under control. I was in therapy for years. In and out for years I guess.
The good thing about that situation and maybe it's just who I am, was that I think all the time. Sometimes too much, sometimes for the worse but in this case, it was for the better. Some people who suffer from this don't think about that, and they may not be able to. I had so many things going through my mind that day. Overwhelming amount. I'm glad I called my mom and asked her for help. If she hadn't answered who knows what could have happened.
Over time, I got rid of the toxins in my life and found new friends that are there for me. I have a best friend who supports me in every way possible. Though we bump heads sometimes, but I love her like a sister and wouldn't trade it for the world. I have a fiance' who has been there for me for the past 6 years. He's been with me for the worse things in my life and the best. I can't ask for anyone better.
The hardest thing I've learned over the past year with depression and anxiety is bumping heads with people who don't understand why I act the way I do because if they don't understand it, they can't help. Sure, medication will help to a degree. But you have to have your supporters out there too. Medication isn't going to fix everything. Bumping heads with someone who may or may not be going through some of the same things but handles it differently then you do is difficult too. You may want attention, but they don't, they'd rather be left alone. They may want attention, but you don't want to give it because you want to be left alone. It's a very touchy subject.
Just some thoughts of mine when it comes to me and my depression and anxiety.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Photoshop Examples
The next picture down is something I did from scratch with ideas from a tutorial. It was kind of difficult to do but the tutorial was kind of hard to understand as well. 
This is a picture of an xbox with some cool neon green lines coming out of it. This was another tutorial that I attempted. I had a hard time with this one as well. There's supposed to be a lot more lines coming out of the "on" button but it was hard to use the paint brush the way they wanted it. In general it turned out pretty good. This a picture of me and my best friend! It was taken on my 21st birthday. I just took into photoshop with the intent to make it look like a drawing but then it turned out very colorful. It turned out very nice. This is probably one of my favorite pictures.
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